His plan... I think

I took a big step of faith today, and now I'm not so sure it was the right decision... let me give you the back story.

As most of you know, I have not been a faithful servant of Christ my whole life, like I should have been, being raised in the church by godly parents and grandparents. There have been (too many) phases in my life where I've decided that I knew better than God what was right for me, and I proceeded to go with my own plan. Or just go with no plan at all. I have been so far away from God that it hurts to think about now. I have been the prodigal again and again - I have turned my back on Him, and my sins have been so great that I'm still trying to grant forgiveness to myself and accept His. Right after R and I got married, some major changes happened in our church: several close friends who had been our rock moved away, the pastor who had led R to Christ moved, the direction changed to a place where we weren't comfortable, and trust was betrayed by a friend. We let those circumstances get in the way of His direction, and we drifted away from the church entirely.

For four years, God tugged and I ignored. Until I became a mother and witnessed His greatest miracle. I felt such a sense of responsibility to give this perfect gift back to God and raise him in The Father's house. Soon after Tater turned one, I finally let go and let God. Oh, His absolutely amazing grace. He in his infinite, unconditional love took me back without hesitation, without judgment, without scorn. Tears still flow as I think about His undeserved love so freely given...

So after a couple of months of trying to walk with Christ without any support and fellowship, I went back to church. By myself. For his own reasons that I partially understand and completely respect, R was not ready. I will admit, I was disappointed and angry at first - at him and then at myself. But I'm not now - just prayerful... there are a range of emotions and thoughts that are hard to describe, but I do know this - I love my husband, and so does God. I know that He has a plan for both of us...

And I think he's shown me what part of that plan is. He's really put this issue on my heart lately; I've been reading a book called "Surviving a Spiritually Mismatched Marriage" by Lee Strobel, a former atheist who has written several books "evidence" for Christianity. I know there are many Christians out there, mostly women, who are married to non-Christians or Christians who have fallen away. And I know firsthand how hard it is to go to church alone. To sit in the pew seeing all the husbands and wives together around you. I know the feelings of guilt and thoughts of inadequacy as a Christian that my husband is not there: "If only I were a better witness and example..." "If only I prayed harder..."

And I know that for many, small groups are even harder because it makes it that much more obvious that you're only there as half of a couple. I have to say though, I was so incredibly blessed to have been in the small group I was in. I could not have felt more loved and accepted and supported... but I am also a pretty open person, and not everybody can feel comfortable in a mixed environment. Church should not be a place where anybody has to feel uncomfortable. I really feel that God wants to use the situation I am in to reach out to other women in this same boat. Maybe together, we can find some oars.

Our church has Community Life Groups rather than Sunday school classes. There are several that meet at all different times during the week, many on Sunday and Wednesday - pretty informal and very intimate and comfortable. Today, I spoke to one of our pastors about creating a new CLG group for married women only - halves of couples who are not singles but not a wholly Christian couple. I told him I would lead it even though I totally don't feel "qualified" as a Christian. He said that in his experience, if God puts something on our hearts, he usually wants us to take the lead in it. Can't argue with that... :) He said he would pray over it and bring it to the staff.

But as I left, lots of doubts started creeping into my head... is this really coming from God, or from me? Is my heart in the right place? Is it even a good idea? Is there a reason there isn't already a group like this in place? My vision for this group is one of support and affirmation and prayer - the last thing I'd want it to become is a place to gripe about husbands, but is that a possibility? And is all this doubt just coming from Satan? Yes.

My prayer is that God can use me and this group to touch women's hearts - to strengthen them and to draw more women closer to him, no matter what the cost at home. I know how lucky I am that I have a husband who accepts my faith - not everyone has that even...

So I said all that to ask for prayer. That if it's His will, that this group will happen, will flourish, and will be effective. And that I will seek out His will, and hear and heed His voice as He directs.