His plan... I think

I took a big step of faith today, and now I'm not so sure it was the right decision... let me give you the back story.

As most of you know, I have not been a faithful servant of Christ my whole life, like I should have been, being raised in the church by godly parents and grandparents. There have been (too many) phases in my life where I've decided that I knew better than God what was right for me, and I proceeded to go with my own plan. Or just go with no plan at all. I have been so far away from God that it hurts to think about now. I have been the prodigal again and again - I have turned my back on Him, and my sins have been so great that I'm still trying to grant forgiveness to myself and accept His. Right after R and I got married, some major changes happened in our church: several close friends who had been our rock moved away, the pastor who had led R to Christ moved, the direction changed to a place where we weren't comfortable, and trust was betrayed by a friend. We let those circumstances get in the way of His direction, and we drifted away from the church entirely.

For four years, God tugged and I ignored. Until I became a mother and witnessed His greatest miracle. I felt such a sense of responsibility to give this perfect gift back to God and raise him in The Father's house. Soon after Tater turned one, I finally let go and let God. Oh, His absolutely amazing grace. He in his infinite, unconditional love took me back without hesitation, without judgment, without scorn. Tears still flow as I think about His undeserved love so freely given...

So after a couple of months of trying to walk with Christ without any support and fellowship, I went back to church. By myself. For his own reasons that I partially understand and completely respect, R was not ready. I will admit, I was disappointed and angry at first - at him and then at myself. But I'm not now - just prayerful... there are a range of emotions and thoughts that are hard to describe, but I do know this - I love my husband, and so does God. I know that He has a plan for both of us...

And I think he's shown me what part of that plan is. He's really put this issue on my heart lately; I've been reading a book called "Surviving a Spiritually Mismatched Marriage" by Lee Strobel, a former atheist who has written several books "evidence" for Christianity. I know there are many Christians out there, mostly women, who are married to non-Christians or Christians who have fallen away. And I know firsthand how hard it is to go to church alone. To sit in the pew seeing all the husbands and wives together around you. I know the feelings of guilt and thoughts of inadequacy as a Christian that my husband is not there: "If only I were a better witness and example..." "If only I prayed harder..."

And I know that for many, small groups are even harder because it makes it that much more obvious that you're only there as half of a couple. I have to say though, I was so incredibly blessed to have been in the small group I was in. I could not have felt more loved and accepted and supported... but I am also a pretty open person, and not everybody can feel comfortable in a mixed environment. Church should not be a place where anybody has to feel uncomfortable. I really feel that God wants to use the situation I am in to reach out to other women in this same boat. Maybe together, we can find some oars.

Our church has Community Life Groups rather than Sunday school classes. There are several that meet at all different times during the week, many on Sunday and Wednesday - pretty informal and very intimate and comfortable. Today, I spoke to one of our pastors about creating a new CLG group for married women only - halves of couples who are not singles but not a wholly Christian couple. I told him I would lead it even though I totally don't feel "qualified" as a Christian. He said that in his experience, if God puts something on our hearts, he usually wants us to take the lead in it. Can't argue with that... :) He said he would pray over it and bring it to the staff.

But as I left, lots of doubts started creeping into my head... is this really coming from God, or from me? Is my heart in the right place? Is it even a good idea? Is there a reason there isn't already a group like this in place? My vision for this group is one of support and affirmation and prayer - the last thing I'd want it to become is a place to gripe about husbands, but is that a possibility? And is all this doubt just coming from Satan? Yes.

My prayer is that God can use me and this group to touch women's hearts - to strengthen them and to draw more women closer to him, no matter what the cost at home. I know how lucky I am that I have a husband who accepts my faith - not everyone has that even...

So I said all that to ask for prayer. That if it's His will, that this group will happen, will flourish, and will be effective. And that I will seek out His will, and hear and heed His voice as He directs.

Levi's stories

We had such fun in Houston with Dana and Levi! Tater just adores them both, and I guess I like them ok too... :) The first night Levi was home for dinner, Tater asked him what he did today. So Levi launched into this long story about his day, complete with any detail you would (or wouldn't) want to know. Tater just sat there and listened, totally enthralled, or at least politely seeming to be so. He even laughed appropriate when Levi made a joke. I don't know how Levi kept a straight face - Dana and I were just rolling. The next night, same thing. D caught it on camera this time. I'm having issues getting it to upload, but hopefully it will be up here soon. It is just too cute. Hopefully it's as funny to everybody else as it was to us. Otherwise we're just big dorks...

Thanks again, Dana and Levi, for letting me and my mini tornado invade your home! I can't tell you how much I enjoyed it!

Houston Pics

...most of the time

So I made dinner tonight - stew. Yeah, I know it was 104 today... not exactly stew weather, but evidently stew meat was on sale and Randy wanted it, so I made it - per his directions since he usually makes it. His way takes forever but is totally worth it. So I started around 3 and spent all this time browning meat, chopping veggies and stirring, stirring, stirring and looking forward to the yumminess.

But then he decided to thicken it up and I mentioned I hadn't seasoned it yet. So he did. With Italian seasoning. This is not a usual addition. And it's one that I do not consider yumminess in stew. My beautiful stew. I was not happy, and he was rather amused with that fact.


Oh well. You win some, you lose some.

I love my husband

We're back already! I had planned on driving home today, but after talking to R on Saturday night, it was pretty clear (and pretty cute) that he missed us, so we came back last night after all. My hubby can be so wonderful. I came home to a restocked fridge and pantry, roses and a pink VS bag. :)

Of course, then we let Tater sleep with us, so that killed the romance and left us both tired this morning after being kicked in the ribs all night by Mr. Squirmy. But tonight I'm going to cook an actual meal for my poor guy who lived off of coffee and various take-out while I was gone.

If I can manage to pull myself away from facebook long enough, I'll get some pictures of our Houston fun up soon.

Howdy from H-town

We are having such a great time here in Houston! Well, really Spring, but it's a lot cuter to hear Tater say "Hoo-sun," so that's where Dana and Levi live.

We drove down on Tuesday after Mom's Day Out. Tater actually did a lot better in the car than I thought he would. He slept about an hour and then played and watched his movies with relatively little fussing. I have to admit, I was a nervous about the drive. Dallas is the furthest I've driven by myself, and I seriously hate driving in real big-city traffic. And of course, since I decided to leave at naptime, that put me going through San Antonio at 5. Stupid me. I may be almost 29 years old, but I turn into a 16-year-old small-town girl when you put me on a freeway. But I managed to get us here in one piece!

We have done some cooking, some great bargain shopping (I have my purse!), lots of playing... we had the best evening last night, but I'll let that be its own post later when we get some pictures uploaded. Today is lazy day - we all slept late and watched cartoons all morning, and now it's naptime. Dana, Levi and Tater are sleeping, but I guess I overdid it on the coffee, because I gave up after laying in the bed for 15 minutes. We'll probably head back to good ole SA Monday morning; I thought about going back Sunday, but I'm not ready to go, and I don't think we've driven Dana and Levi nuts quite yet... I imagine our welcome will last one more day without wearing out. :)

Pictures coming soon!

Only in summer

can I honestly say... I'm so glad it's Monday morning.

It has been a ridiculously enjoyable weekend, but I'm just plumb wore out! There is definitely a nap in my afternoon agenda for the day.

Bargain alert for little boy mommies!

Target has little boys' shoes on really good clearance. There are a couple of tennis shoe styles and some other leather-type ones... I just got T two pairs of the same style (diff sizes)... just basic white and blue tennis shoes with Velcro -- for $3.74 each! Regular $14.99 Can't beat that!

Thursday Thoughts

I just did something I shouldn't. I counted my remaining days of freedom. Only 25. Including weekends. And in that 25 days, I am planning to:

do the family reunion thing
visit Dana in Houston
hunt down 2 dressers to paint and overhaul my bedroom
organize pictures and scrapbooking supplies
finish Tater's baby book
finish reading the Alex Cross series
make my back porch usable
find a swing set for Tater

...and I'm sure I can come up with a few more things I want to get done "while I have time." Can I get it all done? Of course not. A few notes regarding my list...

Randy bought a new desk (at an auction - for $20... he hearts bargains too) to put in Sam's room that's primary purpose (for me anyway) is to give me a place to scrapbook. It's really the credenza that goes behind a desk, so it's nice and long - perfect for spreading out. In the process of moving stuff into the desk, I discovered a sad truth about myself. I am not a scrapbooker. I am a collector of scrapbooking supplies. I have very few actual pages made - and Tater's poor baby book is maybe 1/4 finished. I haven't done any pages since 2 summers ago. But I sure do have a lot of stuff! I guess dropping stickers and papers in a basket doesn't take nearly as much time and effort as the actual scrapbooking. But that will change, as none of my budget envelopes say "Scrapbooking" on them, and now I have a place to spread out where I can leave stuff and not worry about getting dinner all over it. As God (and you guys) as my witness, I WILL have the baby book done by September.

James Patterson is my favorite man on the planet. And my least favorite. Because I can't stop reading his books. Just this summerI've read all but 2 of the Women's Murder Club books and at least 10 of the Alex Cross series. Maybe that's why I haven't gotten anything else done. I'm a junkie. This may be the one thing I cross off my list.

I am in search of a swing set/play thingy for Tater. I would really like to be able to find a good used set from somewhere, but I bet the chances of finding one are slim. I was thinking of maybe putting a "want to buy" ad in the Thrifty... would that be a dumb idea? Anybody know anybody whose kids have grown out of theirs that might be willing to sell it? Crys, I adore the one y'all got Jacob, and I think I found it online. It may be my Plan B if I can't find one used...

I have found a new purse I want. It is the giraffe print that is so big right now, and even though I usually don't feel cool enough for the trendy stuff, I love this one. It will be mine. AND it's at Sam Moon, which is 1) cheap, and 2) a few miles up the road from my sister's house. :) Happy day.

Ok, back to Detective Cross...

Nothing Important...

...just a few bored ramblings.

This week I am filling in for my step-dad's office manager while she's on vacation. I'm doing little more than answering the phone, so I've had lots of free time to play on the internet, read blogs (why don't you people update every hour to give me something to read?). and read books. I've got 3 going at once now - a TD Jakes book about men's emotions, a Lee Strobel book about marriage, and a James Pattterson novel. I've given up on the Ruth book; the forward was the high point. Got boring and a little frustrating. The author's views of women and their place was a little too 19th century for me, which surprised me - the opposite of what I expected.

So I'm a little bored now. And I'm having a big-time chocolate craving.

I'm seriously bummed about our principal leaving us. He's the only principal I've ever worked for, but I know how good I've had it. He's always supported me on everything, gives us whatever we need... he's an incredible boss and friend. I've heard plenty of other horror stories about principals who don't back you up, don't care, aren't involved... I'm worried about who will take his place. Plus I'll miss him terribly. AND I can't go up there to talk to him this week and who knows if he'll even be at our campus next week... Pooh.

This weekend is our family reunion - Christmas style. Chrsitmas on Mom's side of the family was always a very big deal - everybody came home then. But now families are growing and spreading out across the country. So we decided that since it's easier to get everybody together in the summer, we'd just move Christmas to July. We have a tree, gifts, and turkey and dressing Christmas dinner. We did it for the first time last year, and it was a blast. I'm looking forward to it - I'll get to see my cousin's 9 month-old who I haven't even met yet. And the best past is that it's here in SA, so I can sleep in my own bed at night. Sweet.

The days of summer are dwindling... I have less than 4 weeks until I start back. And I'm still not 100% positive what I'm teaching. I'm really hoping bossman will finalize staffing before he leaves. If he even can. Ugh, I'm dreading a week and a half of staff development with anyone other than him. He manages to make it not boring or useless.

Ok, back to a book or two.

Thoughts

I just read a very thoughtful, insightful post on an old friend's blog - one that really bares her soul... and I wonder why I can't bring myself to write like that. To just write and not worry about if I sound stupid, or if I'm going to inadvertently hurt someones feelings or offend or tell too much.

I actually have a couple of drafts of "real" thoughts posts that I do want to finish writing and set free to the world wide web. But I haven't. Because I'm worried that someone might take my words the wrong way, and the last thing I'd ever want is to hurt feelings. And even though I'd like to consider myself to be an open book, having no problem talking about myself - even regarding my struggles and vulnerability, I realize I am not. And then there's my ultra-private husband...

But even so, I think I'm ready to be more open. I'm reading a book about Ruth and Naomi, and in the forward it talks about how women essentially live in two worlds - one public and one private. Things that we often know to be true in our private worlds are not always so accepted and acceptable in public society. But I know that my private world is not so different from the private worlds of many other women. And one of the things I'm tired of is having my private world so private. I need to learn to communicate my joys and even my heartaches without fear.

More on this later, but I feel God is calling me in a direction that would require embracing and expressing my vulnerabilities... so I guess I better practice. And what better place than the blogosphere. To quote a sweet friend-of-a-friend that I hope to meet soon, I may sometimes be "splattered. So bring a raincoat. You've been duly warned."

Tater Funnies

Tater fell on the playground at school Thursday and got a skinned knee. Being the drama king he is, he's been milking it ever since... yesterday he told me he needed an ice cream pack for his owie.

He found a calculator, and I was showing him how to make numbers come on the screen. He punched a few numbers and matter-of-factly said, "I talkin' on my email."


He has 2 new favorite songs. Here's how they go:

"Jesus loves me, I know!" (repeat this line over and over)

"Row, row your boat go down across the street!"

OK, be honest...

Do you like this layout? Is it hard to read? I really liked it at first, but now the blue on blue is starting to wear me out...

Even sillier...

Tater has a new game. I'm not sure of its origin or its logic, but it goes a little like this:

Tater: " I want a snack."
Mama: "Ok, what do you want for snack?"
"Um, I want a... um... bubby."
"You want a bubby? What's a bubby?"
"I want a moomah."
(Mama catches on)" We don't have any moomahs"
"I want a pppbbbttt (blows raspberry at me)."
"You want a pppbbbttt?"
"Yeah, I want a pppbbbttt."
"OK, you can have a pppbbbttt when you get up from your nap."
"OK."

And off he goes to play. Weird kid. :)

Silly boy

I'm trying to get out of the habit of holding and carrying Tater so much. He's too big, and I have to let him grow up sooner or later. :)
So this morning he's desperately attempting to get me to carry him to the pantry to find a snack, but I resisted. I told him he could walk and I'd go with him. He looked up pleadingly into my eyes and sighed, "But you love me!"
Manipulative little devil. It didn't work of course, but still...

I wouldn't have survived the 1800s

I know this because as I sit here in my 83 degree house wearing as little as possible, I am thinking of those poor pioneer women who crossed the plains in the heat of the summer wearing ridiculously long dresses with *ugh* tight bodices. I am so spoiled by air conditioning.

Except right now, I mean. Ours broke yesterday.

And considering the fact that it in now 3 pm on the Thursday before a holiday weekend, the prospects for being cool this weekend are getting slimmer by the second.


UPDATE: we are now the proud owners of a brand-new outside unit for the cooling and conditioning of air. They came to put it in at 6 pm on the 3rd. We were without air for less than 36 hours. Hallelujah! And with our home warranty, we paid very little towards the cost of the air conditioner. Now if I can just figure out how to "break" the inside unit too... :)

And the blessings just keep rolling in...

Oh my gosh...
Did I not just post this very morning that I found some sweaters on sale at Old Navy? And do you remember my post not too long ago about wanting to go shopping at Old Navy? Well, my sweet Daddy remembered... and sent me an "unbirthday" card with a gift card to - you guessed it - Old Navy. In the mailbox this afternoon. How cool is that? Included with the shopping spree are Tater-sitting services and ice cream, as stated in Dad's own voice on one of those recordable cards followed by the song, "You'll be in my heart." Tears. Thank you Daddy!

Of course, that's not all. I mentioned we paid off one credit card - well, we managed to get the remainder of the credit card debt transferred to that card at 2.9%. What a lot of interest money that will save!

And... this morning my step-dad called to see if I could fill in while his office manager is on vacation for a week. More money earned there! Thank you Kerry!

God is so good. And I am so blessed to have people who love me and take care of me - even spoil me!

I heart bargains!

The story of my bedroom:

In our old house, we had old, mismatched, and garage sale furniture, like most newly married couples do. We never got new stuff, but decided that we would do that when we moved into our new house out here. So I sold it all in a garage sale before we moved and we kept all our clothes in big Rubbermaid tubs until we got a new matching bedroom suite. Well, almost 3 years later, we're still living out of those Rubbermaids, and quite frankly, I'm tired of it!

Well, a new suite is not exactly in the budget now, but as a lover of paint and a devoted Trading Spaces fan, I figure I can make a matching set out of anything, right?

We were at an auction on Saturday, and we got 2 seventies-style octagon end tables that aren't all that pretty, but are real wood and in good shape for... get this... $12.50 total. I'm going to take the doors off and repaint them to use as night stands. So, yay! Bargain number one!

So yesterday while Tater was at MDO, I set off in search of Bargain number two - dressers. I went to Tennis Auction, Christians in Action, and another kinda scary resale shop on Chadbourne. They were all very proud of their ancient furniture, so the search will continue. I'll hit the garage sales this weekend - and maybe by the end of the summer, my bedroom actually will be decorated for the first time in this house!

Oh, but I'm not done yet - I went to Cato to see what kind of clothes they had on sale... because I do have a little money coming from the 2 days I worked summer school, so I wanted to scope it out. I walked out the door with THESE:


Cute, huh? And my grand total? $10.80. The brown ones were $2.99. Yeah, I may break my neck in them, but hey -they were super cheap! I found Bargain number two after all!!!

So if you need shoes, go to Cato! They had lots more in lots of styles. Oh, and I also walked the mall to do a little more window shopping, and Old Navy has lots of clearance stuff too - if you can bring yourself to buy sweaters, they have some cute ones for $4.99. Hopefully they'll still be around when I get that summer school check... :)