30 by 30

OK, it is no secret that I am not in the least looking forward to turning thirty next month. Yes, next month. In 31 days to be exact. So in all my wallowing in self-pity, I came up with an idea. An idea to make this not so much about me. Because in my reflections and thoughts for self-improvement, I have come to realize that as much as I gripe about the self-centeredness of others, I'm a pretty self-involved person myself (yes, I did purposely put that many self-hyphen words in that sentence).

So back to my whininess over turning thirty... I already decided I am going to buy myself a fabulous German chocolate cake from Halfmann's. On my birthday. But up until then, I am going to do something for someone else. Something that helps, uplifts, encourages someone else. And something that brings the glory to God, not myself. Because it's not about me (another mantra to add to my list - It's not about me, it's not about me).

Yeah, I know it brings to mind that episode of Friends where Phoebe wants to do something unselfish and Joey says there is never any truly unselfish act, since you feel good even when you do for others... and she lets a bee sting her, not knowing that the bee will now die. I will admit, I'm not opposed to the "warm fuzzies" I will get. But I can't think of a better birthday present, can you?

So the plan is, starting tomorrow, I will seek out opportunities to DO for others. Actually, I already have a plan for day one. I will admit, this one is a little selfish, but definitely for the greater good.

I can count on one hand the number of people on this planet I do not get along with. One of them is a fellow teacher that I am spending the week in a training with. There is a long history of hurt feelings and grudges on both sides, and for all our sakes, it needs to stop. Tonight I wrote her a letter apologizing and asking for forgiveness and a truce. What is it the Bible says about showing kindness to our enemies? Heaping coals on their heads, right? But I don't want her to be an enemy. I'm not naive enough to expect friendship, but to set both our souls at peace and for the good of our departments, I have to try.

They are not all going to be that "big." I don't think I have that many wrongs to make right, or at least I hope not. :) I'm actually just planning to keep my eyes and ears open for opportunities the Lord puts in front of me. And any suggestions are welcomed. But every day, for the next 30 days, I will shine His light.

And when the big day comes, I won't be able to help but be content. Yep, selfish after all...

And the Lord will grant the desires of your heart...

Several things over the last year or so have made it very clear to me that God is in control of my life, not me. And while I still don't understand the "why" on a lot of things, I'm learning to accept and trust in His understanding. I'm reading through Proverbs (Lord knows I could use a little wisdom) in my study Bible, and this little side note stuck out to me. I will do well to remember:

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

"Unfulfilled longings are familiar to every woman. Sometimes when a woman must wait for her deepest hopes to be realized she can become heartsick, despondent, even desperate. Consider Rachel, whose longing to have children not only caused her to feel like she would die from the pain of waiting, but also led her to take matters into her own hands in order to get what she wanted (Gen 30: 1-5). In a woman's quest for relief from disappointment, she can be tempted to manipulate and demand that her desires be satisfied according to her timetable. Or she can suppress her dreams and desires and settle for much less than God has planned. Either way, she loses. How much better off a woman will be when she trusts God to fulfill her dreams, when she waits on him instead of manipulating or giving up. Only He sees the whole picture, and only He has the power to fulfill her heart's desires (Gen 30:22-23)."

I have lately been praying not so much that God would grant my desires, but that He would shape my desires to match His own plans for me. While I will admit I am not quite whole-hearted in my prayer (it's just so hard to let got of control!), I feel He truly IS changing my mind-set. And that is a great place to start.

Big Boy Room

My baby is a baby no longer. My great big 3-year-old is sleeping in a great big 3-year-old room now - all by himself the whole night, I might add (hence he is no longer in mine). We got him a twin-size mattress but left it and the box springs on the floor. Once we're pretty sure he's not going to go rolling off it all the time (he is quite the flailer when he sleeps), we'll put it in an actual bed frame. He loves it - when he first saw it, he thought it was the coolest thing for jumping on. And jumping off. The bedspread is the one we used to have on Samm's bed before she lived here, so I didn't have to buy a new one! Yay for recycling!



I copied these little star hooks from ones my mom made for my new baby nephew's room. Even though I intended them for cowboy hats and jackets, Tater is having fun putting his silly dress-up hats on them. The little cowboy shelf is one of the few decor carryovers from the baby room... I just think it's too cute!

I put in new curtains, but just the top panel. We don't have blinds on these windows and they all get direct sun in the morning, so we've always doubled up on the tab-tops to block out the light and heat a little more. Before he had 2 red panels so I replaced the top only with blue (there was too much red in his room). I kinda like the layered effect. I didn't iron the curtains, which bothers me a little, but I figure a few more weeks of this heat should knock the wrinkles right out, right?

This is the dresser that a friend gave me (actually, all the dressers in this house were free gifts from friends!) that I repainted with my sister's help (post-bedrest) before T was born. The lamp is a repainted $1 garage sale find. The barn-wood mirror - $3 at another garage sale a few weeks ago. The little quilt was $5 at a craft show in Ballinger before T was born. I call this my wall of bargains. :) The only thing I have left to do in here is find a suitable living space for all his stuffed animals. I stole their box to store the stuff that used to be under his bed. Until then they'll just stay stashed by the toy buckets.

And this is my favorite wall. That is indeed a real rope hung on the wall with hooks and tack nails. It's authentic too - the roper who used to live here left it out in the roping arena out back, so it's nicely "weathered." Here's a close-up. I'm a little too proud of this idea - I just think it turned out so cool!!!

And I do have to say that it is kinda sad that the only room in this house that I consider to be finished, decor-wise, is the bedroom of the three-year-old male... who really couldn't care less. He does really like the rope actually - he told me it is "awesome." :)

That's all that matters.

Bullet Train

A little randomness - need to warm up the old blogging muscles.

• Today July is halfway over. Meaning my time off is halfway over too - I have a week of workshops the week before actual in-service starts, so as of Aug 3, I'm back at work.
• That really bites.
• Tater's big boy room is done. Pics will be the next blog.
• I've incredibly bummed right now - my brilliant photographer friend Jenny is going back to teaching and will now be limiting the times she does photos. And she is incredible, so she books up fast. So because I took it for granted that she would always be there, I have put off booking our family pics and it will now be November before we can get them done. I'm ridiculously mad at myself.
• I have a lot of projects I wanted to get done this summer but have only checked 3 things off the list. I think I'm gonna just have to be good with 3 or so more, because the motivation just ain't there.
• It is still up in the air when/whether Samm will be back. Thoughts and feelings regarding that are varied and will be kept.
• I am evidently not too terribly committed to my weight-loss goals because I have lost a whole pound. The goal is 10 before the first day of school.
• I just ate half a bag of mini-rice cakes - the caramel corn ones. And I wonder why I'm not losing weight...
• I think it is unfair for an almost-30-year-old to still be having to deal with acne. Hence I have been tanning. I know it's bad but I hate not being able to wear cute tops in the summer.
• Plus tan fat looks better than white fat.
• I am not excited about school yet. I wish I were. There are evidently a ton of changes to our state standards. I don't really care enough to try to figure them out yet.
• Wow, now I remember why I don't blog - so stinkin' negative!! Maybe I'll try again tomorrow when I'm in a better mood.

To Blog or Not to Blog...

I have been awful lately. I have not written, nor really wanted to write. Well, I have wanted to write, but I just don't have anything to say. Well, I have plenty to say, but there's only so much I can say. There's so much stored up in this heart of mine, but it's not "out loud" kind of stuff. And I need to post some pics of these kids of mine, but I haven't taken a lot lately. I kind of feel like I'm in some strange la-la land lately and am on auto-pilot. I am busy or tired or zoned out on Facebook (an addiction I really need to overcome).

But there are 4 days left of summer school. Then I am reclaiming my break, my time and my mind. I will write more. Maybe even tomorrow, after T and I go on our marathon garage-sale/flea-market spree. See, my next project is turning his room into a more big-boy sort of space. We are in need of bigger-boy stuff.

So if anybody even still reads this, stay tuned. I will be back to boring you soon. :)

To my Mama on Mother's Day

Dear Mom,

I love you. First and foremost, I love you so very much. There aren’t words to describe how grateful I am to you, in so many ways and for so many reasons.

Thank you for being an incredible example of a mother; you have taught me more through the way you live than you’ll ever know. You have been such a picture of Jesus for me – thank you for your servant’s heart and your quiet passion for Christ. Thank you for raising me in the faith – for teaching me the path to righteousness. Thank you for showing me a mother’s unconditional love. Over the years, you have demonstrated the boundless patience, mercy and wisdom that I hope to show my own kids. Your selflessness is an inspiration and an encouragement to me; I know I would not be the mother I am without your tireless example. I would not be the woman I am. Thank you for your patience with me all along the way.

Thank you for loving my kids. I can’t describe how blessed I feel to be able to hand my little man over to you every day. I know I don’t say enough how truly appreciative I am, but I want you to know how invaluable it is to me to know Tater is learning and growing with you. Thank you for your well-stocked pantry that both my darlings raid daily. Thank you for loving Samm as much as you do. One of the things I love about you is your huge heart; in that heart there is truly no difference between biological and step-grandchildren – they are all yours and that’s all that matters.

Having you for a mother has been one of the biggest blessings in my life. I am so glad to be able to call you my mother and my friend. I am so grateful God decided to give me to you; but truly, you are God’s gift to me. And I am so indebted to you for the life you have poured into me. Thank you will never be enough.

I love you Mama.
Jenni

Capitol 10k

Yes, I know it is hard to believe, but I did actually go through with running the Capitol 10k in Austin March 29th. Well, "running" is not the word I should use, though I did do a little of that. I finished the race, and truthfully, that was all that really mattered to me.

I started semi-training back in September, when my uber-inspirational friend Jenny invited everybody to run the race (a very special race to her) alongside her. Then Samm got here, and I let that be an excuse to quit, though I didn't really need an excuse. See, I don't really like running. In fact, my mantra there at the beginning went something like, "I hate this, I hate this, I hate this..." And so, I quit and returned to my previous slug status.

Then Sara asked me if I was still doing it. And my answer was very vague, but she pressed and I caved. So I started semi-training again. But not really. Dedication to something I have little interest in just doesn't make a lot of sense to me. But going to Austin meant hanging with my Fri for the first time in forever, so I was definitely in! I just decided that I would set an easy pace - do what I could and not worry about times or how many old ladies passed me.

Then race day came. It was stinking cold, but I was strangely jazzed. The race atmosphere was just incredible. There were a record 18,000 people registered for the run that day - there were just people everywhere. Amazingly enough, we ran smack into Jenny right before the race, so I wsa thrilled to get to see her. Plus Sara made us these awesome t-shirts that nobody gets but us (that's the beauty of it!). And even though I am SO not a runner, I really felt like it that day!

And then they blew the horn. And we all just stood there. There were about 2000 people in front of us, so it was a little like a cattle drive for a bit. But then we broke free and ran. And I ran longer than I thought before I told Sara I'd see her at the finish line. Then I did my thing - admittedly faster than I thought I would. I of course walked up all the nasty downtown Austin hills, but I did run more than I thought I would. There's just something about being surrounded by people who are pushing themselves that makes you not so quick to give up. I did walk plenty though - they have these race photographers around and every single one of them caught me walking, looking like I'm about to die. But I didn't die, and I finished 6.2 miles in an hour and 15 minutes. Not great, but not total crap.

But most importantly, it made me want to do way better than "not total crap" next time. I am going to continue running. I am going to find a way to like it. And I am going to be proud of myself next time I cross a finish line, because I will have a real goal that I will have honestly worked for. (note - I say all this in the future tense because I am just now recovering from my awful shin splints and the nasty foot-tendon pull that I caused by not training properly - Wednesday will be my first day back on the road).

So I'm not done. Thank you, Jenny and Sara, for giving me the push I so desperately needed. I may be calling when I need it again.